KungFu Mike's 3rd Grade Masterpiece - September 25, 2007

My good friend from back home just moved out to southern California. When he stopped over on Saturday, he brought a gift; a book. Not just any book, it was a book that I wrote and illustrated when I was eight years-old. After flipping through it, I knew that I had to have it scanned in and posted on my website immediately. It is an action-packed journey filled with hilarious violence, government conspiracy and references to sexual organs. You know, everything that you would expect to come out of the mouth of an eight year-old KungFu Mike.

Ladies and gentleman, one hand clapping against the other makes a great sound for Little Harbor Elementary School's most famous alumni and his first book, "GNI" (General National Interference).

Cover. I have no idea what I was going for with the cover of GNI. There is some kind of strange pyramid shape at the bottom with the letters "SS" on it. I did have blond hair and blue eyes when I was younger.

Page 1. Surprisingly enough, I had frequent visits with child psychologists.

Page 2. Dead alien with an arrow piercing its skull? Check. Dead Green Beret with a bullet in his head? Check. President of the United States depicted as a huge-eared, cross-eyed retard? Check.

Page 3. Russians are fat, and they shoot bails of pubic hair out of Power Wheels tanks.

Page 4. Someone had been using their one hour of television a day to watch a certain TV show. Which one was it?

Page 5. I love how the president looks Asian and I accidentally spelled play "pray." Excellent.

Page 6. Now the general is Asian, and he is telling the dogs to attack the White House's genitals. How/why my 3rd grade teacher actually allowed this into my project is telling of the undeniable decline of public education.

Page 7

Page 8. The general assassinates the president, who is wearing a shirt that says "dork," in a violent military coup. Perfectly normal subject matter for an eight year-old.

Page 9. This is where the story devolves into some kind of Flintstone's vitamin overdose-fueled summarizing illustrated montage.

Dedication. Mom? Dad? Jesus? Nope. Instead, I dedicated GNI to Buttons McBoomBoom, a villain in the 80's cartoon C.O.P.S. I cut my partner out of the entire process and I wrote what can only be described as a kiddie manifesto. For this, I was awarded a young author's ribbon.

Epilogue
. The caption underneath my picture reads "I am rad. I am rad." Some things never change.

Posted by KungFu Mike at 6:52 PM

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Comments

i see a phallus on every page.

i was thinking i felt to lazy to go around clicking links, but holy crap, well worth it and then some. the personification of the white house is super special.

Posted by: kate at September 26, 2007 12:01 AM

I think YoungFu Mike was trying to get laid too because you gave out your name, address, and phone number on the Epilogue page. That was hilarious. Buttons McBoomBoom...!

Posted by: Wayland at September 27, 2007 09:04 PM

"right up the nose" ... quite prophetic given our current proclivity towards the devil's dandruff.

Posted by: zach retox at October 5, 2007 01:29 PM

I'm sorry. Does it say "Sick Balls" on page 6? I'm pretty sure the stuff I wrote about when I was 8 were like cars and my pet dog and other innocent things - not destruction of the white house and violent military coupes, but then again I went to private school.

Posted by: Unidentified Drunken Object at October 29, 2007 10:22 PM