KungFuMike.net - May 11, 2008

I went out to a sports bar on Friday night. As I was walking towards the bathroom, someone intentionally reached out and grabbed my cock and balls. It wasn't just an accidental hand tap; this was a legitimate cup and lift of my genitalia. It took me a couple of steps to realize what happened. At first, my mind automatically filled in the blanks and reasoned that it was just some girl I knew being friendly. When the gravity of the situation finally sunk in, I turned around to find the culprit. An older, bearded gentleman was standing there, staring at me with a half smile. He kind of looked like this:

"Um, sorry...guy. I didn't do that on purpose. My hand just flung out. I wasn't looking."

"I can't believe you just did that. I - I don't even know what to say. You just grabbed my dick."

"Well, I...uh..."

"I don't care if you're gay or whatever, but do you normally just molest dudes dicks and hope one out of ten enjoys it? Where is your gay-dar? This is a sports bar, not the fucking Man Hole. Why did you just do that?"

"Hey. I'm not gay, pal."

"Aren't bears supposed to stick to their own kind?"

"What?"

"You didn't just tap me or graze me accidentally; you deliberately cupped my cock and my balls with your hand. You cupped and lifted. Was I really just sexually assaulted by Victor French? What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"Look pal. I --"

"What did you expect to happen? Did you expect me to turn around and giggle? Should I enjoy some ZZ Top looking mother fucker groping my junk? What the fuck is wrong with you?! I should fucking knock you out."

"Hey. No need to cause a scene."

"CAUSE A SCENE?!? YOU GRABBED MY DICK -- ON PURPOSE!!! EVERYBODY!!! EVERYBODY LOOK OVER HERE!!! KING SOLOMON OVER HERE JUST MAN HANDLED MY FUCKING PENIS!!! HE JUST STUCK HIS HAND OUT AND MOLESTED ME!!! HE DOESN'T WANT TO CAUSE A SCENE, THOUGH!!! LET'S ALL JUST LOOK THE OTHER WAY WHILE SEX OFFENDER SANTA GRABS DUDE CROTCH ALL NIGHT!!!" NO BIG DEAL!!!"

"...I can't believe you just did that. There's no way I can stay here now."

"That was the plan. See ya later, you fucking rapist. Keep in touch..."

Posted by KungFu Mike at 4:10 PM