I've been getting a lot of response to the Ginsanity series since I've started publishing it here on kungfumike.net. The bulk of the people writing in have been saying how mystified they are about someone so goofy and funny being so tortured inside. I guess the best way I can explain that is with the theory that the best comedy always comes from a very dark place. George Carlin, Chevy Chase, Mitch Hedberg -- The greatest comedians are usually the ones with the most sordid back stories. I can't compare myself to those guys on a talent vs. talent basis, but I can certainly stand in a line-up of people who have used humor as a defense mechanism their entire lives without being told I'm in the wrong place. You use it to protect yourself so much that you end up developing a skill without being proud of it or even noticing it.
I mentioned in a note before the third installment of Ginsanity about how the series is taking its toll on me as I write it. I also mentioned that also touched on how I have to "let the crazy back in" to give the piece an honest voice. What I'm now discovering is that my stability on this side of the laptop is deteriorating almost at the same pace as the Mike on the other side in the story. The worse Mike five years ago gets, the worse I get. I sleep three to four hours a night, sparsely eat and aftershocks of co-dependency issues from the same time period are resurfacing, choking the essence out of relationships I have in real life. I suppose that last part doesn't really matter; nobody is going to want to have anything to do with this lunatic motherfucker by the end of the series anyway. I've had to write the bulk of this from a local coffee shop, just to keep me in check. Even then I find myself blotting my eyes with their brown, recycled paper napkins when I get overwhelmed.
After the last bout of teary, chest knotting breakdowns at my apartment this weekend, I've decided to give therapy a shot. I need to make the rational decision to do this now while there is a semblance of self control and self preservation left in me. At least I still have the foresight to know someone's going to need to be perpetually talking me off the ledge as I complete this series, and I can't expect family and friends to be that sounding board. It would make me feel even worse to put that kind of a burden on them.
If you guys want, I'll post entries like this from time to time so you know I'm not taking sabbatical at Arkham or floating face down in a pool somewhere with an "I'm sorry" post-it pinned to my shirt sleeve. I'm working on part five of Ginsanity as we speak, and I'll post it for you as soon as I can.
Posted by KungFu Mike at 1:47 PM